What this funeral needs is more hops

BY DOUG FALWELL, OWNER & PROPRIETOR, BaTshIt INsaNE BReWerY Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Daniel Burling: son, brother, father, friend. Obviously this …

Hero dog passes climate change regulation

OTTAWA – Breaking through the barriers of political deadlock, entrenched opposition, and conflicting regional interests, a heroic German Shepherd has successfully passed a suite of legislat…

Leafs: ‘We’re only collapsing now to avoid heartbreaking collapse in playoffs.’

TORONTO – In the midst of a 5 game losing streak that has seen them fall from 4th place in the East to nearly out of the playoff picture, the Toronto Maple Leafs have reassured fans that th…

Marois reminds out-of-province students they are in Quebec to subsidize tuition, not vote

MONTREAL – The Parti Québécois updated its website tonight to inform out-of-province students that bankrolling the Quebec’s universities does not make them eligible to vote. “Dear McGill un…

PQ accuses people who don’t vote for them of trying to steal election

MONTREAL – The Parti Quebecois has accused many voters who do not intend to vote for their party of attempting to steal the provincial election. “We have reported the influxes of these non-…

Harper reveals Canadian Ministry of Magic, announces sweeping cuts

OTTAWA – At a press conference today Prime Minister Stephen Harper made two announcements: first, he revealed the astounding truth of a government department that oversees Canada’s various …

Pauline Marois ‘ne se souviens pas’ the definition of ‘souveraineté’

MONTREAL – At a campaign stop on the provincial election trail, Quebec Premier Pauline Marois admitted she “ne me souviens pas” the exact definition of “souveraineté” Marois recently …

Fred Phelps surprised heaven is so hot

THE AFTERLIFE – Fred Phelps, the recently deceased founder of the hyper-conservative Westboro Baptist Church, was shocked today to find God’s Kingdom so uncomfortably hotrelig “Well, golly,…

In hindsight to our impending extinction, we probably should have tried a little harder

By: A Northern White Rhinoceros As certain extinction closes in on myself and my subspecies, I, Mark the Northern White Rhinoceros, one of the two remaining Northern White Rhinoceroses on the pla…

‘Mother Canada’ statue to commemorate memory of veteran services, pensions

INGONISH – Parks Canada is set to begin construction on a 10 storey high statue along the Cabot Trail to commemorate the memory of Canada’s services and pensions for veterans The $60 millio…