Friend’s sense of self-worth measured in ‘likes’

HAMILTON, ON – Local communications officer Amanda Pilith measures her value to society in terms of how many ‘likes’ she receives on Facebook posts for her random musings, attempts at witti…

Toronto Maple Leafs: NHL 2014-2015 Season Preview

Team: Toronto Maple Leafs Mascot: An empty Platinum level seat 2013-14 Season: The Leafs managed to take the dramatic third period collapse in their Game 7 loss to the Bruins from the previous ye…

Local bully about to give other kid a great story for his one man show

Surrey, B.C. – Claiming he was “wearing a gay shirt,” local bully Chad “Two Hits” Richler had resolved to give fellow grade 5 student Jimmy Hill the kind of beating that will one day serve …

Costly feasibility study determines city of Toronto should be scrapped

TORONTO – After performing an in-house audit and hiring several third party firms to a total cost of over $683 million, the City of Toronto has determined it is too expensive to continue an…

Scientists discover new species of superintelligent pig is even tastier

VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia (UBC) have discovered that a newly-engineered species of pig with superhuman intelligence and empathy tastes ‘incredible’. “At …

Otherwise compassionate man willing to trample baby to get on subway

TORONTO – Despite describing himself as a generally caring and empathic person, local man Derek Li is fully willing to crush a human infant to death with his feet if it means catching his t…

Paul Calandra answers questions about Iraq with squash soup recipe

OTTAWA – Paul Calandra recited ingredients from his favourite squash soup recipe this morning after he was asked by NDP leader Tom Mulcair to give information about Canada’s deploymen…

Improv show tolerated by all

CALGARY – Wednesday night’s instalment of the longform improv comedy show, Lazer Slacks, was universally praised as “alright”, “satisfactory”, and “about what I expected”, according to the …

4chan user threatens to release nude photos of mother if she cuts off allowance

REGINA – Following a threat to actress Emma Watson over her feminist speech to the UN, 4chan user BuchowskisDICK has gone on to threaten his own mother with a nude photo release should she …

MBA graduate can’t sew button on shirt

TORONTO – University of Toronto Rotman School of Management graduate Keith Bannister has never learned how to properly sew a button on his shirt. Bannister, 29, who views clothing as a mean…