Recently uncovered Nostradamus quatrain predicts 7-11

SALON-DE-PROVENCE, FRANCE – An international team of archaeologists has discovered a shocking Nostradamus prophecy that seems to have foretold the events of 7-11, nearly half a millennium b…

Cat just keeps getting bigger

HAMILTON, ON – Despite health risks and the recommendations of veterinarians, local cat Cheesecake has continued to be fed, and continued to grow, at an alarming rate. “I understand h…

Mom replaces dead husband while kids away at camp

ESSEX, ON – Following the unexpected death of her husband Greg, mother of two Shelly Polluck has managed to find a replacement with similar markings just days before her children return fro…

Kanye West interrupts Pan Am closing ceremony to complain no medals went to Beyonce

TORONTO – During tonight’s closing ceremonies for the Pan American games in Toronto, the event’s headlining act, Kanye West, took to the stage before his cue to berate the Pan Am Games for …

Man forms meaningful relationship with Tinder spam-bot

TORONTO – A local man has formed an unlikely but surprisingly deep and meaningful relationship with a spam-bot after they met on the mobile dating app, Tinder. Jesse Green was initially ver…

Mulcair calls on wealthy to donate child benefits to less fortunate political party

LONDON, ON – NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair encouraged wealthy parents receiving the enhanced universal child care benefit to generously give it away to a needy political party. “The Harpe…

New Meta Madison service allows Ashley Madison members to cheat on each other

TORONTO – Avid Life Media Inc., the parent company of adultery-enabling website AshleyMadison.com, has unveiled a new service called Meta Madison which allows users of Ashley Madison to have extr…

Report: the Costco free sample people are starting to recognize you

LAVAL, QC — An urgent report has been issued stating that the people who hand out the free samples at Costco are starting to remember you. Researchers confirmed that attempts to make yourse…

Ashley Madison leak reveals over a fifth of Ottawa residents actually have sex

OTTAWA – Canadians were surprised to learn this week that anyone in the nation’s capital is having sex after a report revealed that over a fifth of Ottawa residents are users of the a…

Ontario to lower debt by selling Windsor on Kijiji

Queen’s Park – On the heels of S&P’s reduction of Ontario’s credit score, the Liberal Government announced an intention to earn some extra cash by selling the city of Windsor and its 21…