OTTAWA – Minister of Health Jane Philpott has announced that the federal government will be lifting the restriction on gay men’s blood donation so long as they have been heterosexual for the pas...
Avid vinyl collector buys first record player
VANCOUVER – After years of collecting vinyl, Joel Young, a barista and amateur longboarder from Kitsilano, BC has finally purchased a record player. “I love collecting records. The touch of the covers...
Don Cherry’s personal support worker to host Hockey Night in Canada
TORONTO – Don Cherry’s personal care worker has learned that he will be the host of Hockey Night in Canada replacing George Stroumboulopoulos. The support worker, simply known as “Ron”, has been...
Local father already owns every possible tie
WOODSTOCK, ON – Local father Chuck Lowridge has announced that he will not be celebrating Father’s Day this year as he has already been given every possible necktie over the past thirty years. “Me and...
Crest introduces new yellowing strips for a more mature look
NEW YORK – Oral hygiene and toothpaste maker Crest has unveiled its new yellowing strips in attempt to woo consumers who want that perfect, aging smile. Crest Yellowing Strips and its new toothp...
Watching deceased father’s hidden, unlabeled VHS tape deemed not worth risk
TIMMINS, ON – Local man, Mark Mcphee, discovered an unmarked VHS tape while packing his recently deceased father’s belongings, a tape which he claims to be not worth the risk of attempting to wa...
ISIS releases kill list, accompanied by fuck, marry lists
OTTAWA – According to intelligence agencies, terror organization ISIS has released a list of 151 Canadians they want killed, along with two separate lists of people they want to fuck and marry. ...
Beyoncé Declines Hillary Clinton’s Offer to Be Running Mate
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Beyoncé Knowles, known by her approximately 6 billion fans worldwide as Queen Bey, has reportedly declined Hillary Clinton’s offer to be her running mate. “It was sweet of Hil...
Filibuster on mass shooting interrupted by new, different mass shooting
WASHINGTON D.C. – Inspired by the recent mass shooting in an Orlando gay nightclub, Senate Democrats, led by Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn.), launched a filibuster to demand new gun control laws, wh...
Vegas NHL team excited to open for Jeff Dunham 5 nights a week
LAS VEGAS – The NHL has announced their Las Vegas expansion for the 2017-2018 season will provide an opening act for famed ventriloquist Jeff Dunham. “Yes, this team will be exclusively warming ...
