ONTARIO – In an attempt to ensure a new cash flow for the provincial government, Premier Kathleen Wynne has implemented a new policy forcing Ontarians to have two alcoholic beverages at all time...
Vancouver dollhouse sells for $200,000 above asking
VANCOUVER – The Walkers, a young family of 4, have finally found their perfect starter home after bidding $200,000 over asking on a dollhouse. “Sure, it’s a bit smaller than we were hoping, and ...
Justin Trudeau waits in dark cave for attractive enough family to walk past
GATINEAU, QC – In an attempt to further endear himself to the nation, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is waiting in a dark cave for a family he deems beautiful enough to deserve to take a photo wi...
Report: Jared Leto terrorized Suicide Squad castmates with 30 Seconds to Mars songs
HOLLYWOOD – As Warner Brothers releases its latest DC Comics blockbuster, Suicide Squad, sources have confirmed that star Jared Leto’s “acting method” involved torturing his castmates with songs...
Courageous and inspiring woman accidently free bleeds
TORONTO — Today, local marketing associate Ellen Smith stood up for women’s empowerment everywhere by embarking on a bold, 4-hour, totally unintentional free bleed. Smith’s courageous stand began at 7...
Marooned Minister of Fisheries hurls bottle stuffed with legislation into the Atlantic
DESERTED ISLAND – After rolling up the pages and saying a short prayer, Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, Dominic LeBlanc, has thrown what may be his final bill into the ocean in hopes that Atla...
Toronto police neutralize knife wielding man on bus with barrage of words
TORONTO – A tense altercation with a man brandishing a knife on a TTC bus ended in a hail of words projected by Toronto Police. “It was one sentence after another until the man couldn’t take it any mo...
Husky reassures Saskatchewan environmentalists that wildlife will evolve to take 91 octane
CALGARY – Husky Energy has reassured environmental groups that local wildlife will evolve to refine and use the crude spilled in the North Saskatchewan River at a level above that of regular unl...
Germany excited to finally be good guy in next World War
BERLIN – Speaking before an assembled group of reporters, Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany has announced the entire nation is thrilled that they will probably be considered a good guy in the upcomi...
After report shows flossing to be useless, millions immediately continue to not floss
NATIONWIDE – A recent report from the Associated Press has found that there is very little evidence that flossing works, leading millions of people to continue not doing it. “As soon as I heard ...
