Guelph–Witnesses in the area have reported the presence of a dog wearing an orange bandana around his neck who seems to think he’s some real hot shit. The dog, Max, who onlookers speculate is pr...
7 dead after stray cigarette accidentally sets water in Olympic pool on fire
RIO DE JANEIRO – Seven are dead and 33 injured after a lit cigarette accidentally fell into the Olympic pool during a men’s semi-final heat for the 100m butterfly. “When I saw the cigarette, eve...
TTC closed this weekend between wherever you are and wherever you want to go
TORONTO – Interfering with your plans, the Toronto Transit Commission has closed the subway, streetcar and/or bus line from the place you currently are right now, all the way to wherever it is y...
Canadian child dreams of one day winning an Olympic bronze medal
BURLINGTON, ON – After witnessing Team Canada’s performance at the Rio Olympic Games, budding amateur athlete Karen Herder has been inspired to chase her dream of one day bringing home a bronze ...
Panic: Farmer’s market shopper establishes eye contact with vendor before deciding needs
MONTREAL, QC – Tensions ran high this afternoon when local farmer’s market shopper Jan Hastings inadvertently made direct and piercing eye contact with a fresh corn stall vendor before deciding whethe...
Shocking report reveals Tim Hortons’ Boston Cream filling not made with Canadian pus
OTTAWA – The nation is in an uproar today, after federal food inspectors conclusively proved that the whitish-yellow inflamed abscesses used in Tim Horton’s Boston Cream donuts are not Canadian....
Men’s beach volleyball team say mandatory bikini uniform comfortable, supportive
The highly revealing uniform was first met with some resistance, but has now been completely embraced as far superior to the old tank-top and board shorts....
Obituary section actually sponsored content
TORONTO – On closer inspection, the ‘In Memoriam’ section of a respected news site has turned out to be a piece of native advertising. “John William Stearns (b. 1943) was a loving father, whose ...
ISIS claims responsibility after Saleem’s home-brewed IPA tastes like crap
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Just hours after Saleem cracked the first bottle of his home-brewed ‘Malternative Hop’ IPA, the international terrorist organization ISIS has claimed responsibility and promise...
Political culture becoming dangerously polarized, says guy worse than Stalin
OTTAWA – Political discourse in the English-speaking world is becoming increasingly oppositional, says one researcher who is Hitler reborn, but this time with a bit of Pol-Pot and Saddam thrown ...
