VATICAN CITY – After months of mounting tensions over the proposed Vatican Access pipeline, police have begun openly attacking the Catholic protesters, using vicious dogs, rubber bullets, and ho...
Conservative Party Leadership Profile: This Tub of Margarine
Name: This Tub of Margarine Background: Born and produced by a hard working Canadian industry, The Tub claims it has never backed down from a challenge. The Tub is best known for successfully lobbying...
Canada to take in American celebrities fleeing Trump in exchange for U.S. giving visas to our unemployed artists
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and President-elect Donald Trump have announced an ambitious new plan that will see Canada grant citizenship to the hundreds of celebrities who tweeted tha...
World’s climate scientists now cling to hope that global warming is Chinese hoax
GENEVA — Some of the world’s top climate scientists have penned a letter to the International Journal of Climatology, Friday, expressing their belief that humanity’s only hope for survival is th...
After divorce Ms Pacman to retake maiden name Svarkowski
After months of rumours of infidelity and drug fuelled blowouts, culminating in a leaked sex tape between Pac-Man and Dig Dug, Ms Pac-man and Pac-Man have announced their intention to divorce, with th...
NHL hopes ‘Hockey Fights Cancer’ campaign proves as successful as previous initiative, ‘Hockey Tacitly Accepts Brain Injuries’
NEW YORK – A spokesperson for the NHL says he’s confident that the league’s ‘Hockey Fights Cancer’ campaign will prove to be every bit as successful as its last initiative, the wildly effective ...
Guide To: Toronto
What’s the deal with Toronto? The Beaverton Guide To is here to help with your weekly dose of educational content....
“Kellie Leitch can’t win here,” says man who said Trump couldn’t win there
VANCOUVER – During a dinner party held by a friend, local man David Casper openly scoffed at the notion that Kellie Leitch could ever win the Conservative party leadership, let alone a federal e...
America hopes famous actors are half as good at fighting real Nazis as they are fake ones
D.C. – As America’s emboldened Neo-Nazis emerge from the shadows, many of its citizens are turning to familiar faces to save them, Hollywood actors. “When it comes down to it, I’m not much a fig...
7 reasons why your cat won’t look you in the eye anymore
As cats, we don’t owe you humans anything. Let’s make that abundantly clear. However, we understand that us as your cat overlords may be a difficult concept for some of you to process. This is perfect...
