Report: Middle urinal thirsty
MEN’S WASHROOM – According to a recent report from the men’s washroom, the middle urinal is very, very thirsty. While it is a perfectly functional toilet — much like its left and right counterpa…
Canucks aim to improve their reputation by hiring former player Todd Bertuzzi as Health and Fitness Coach
VANCOUVER – Faced with an onslaught of negative publicity for the way they handled the firing of Bruce Boudreau, the Vancouver Canucks are looking to gain back some popular support by hirin…
Adult Swim announces plans to fire problematic Rick and Morty creator, retain problematic fans
HOLLYWOOD – In the wake of news that Rick and Morty co-creator Justin Roiland was charged with felony domestic abuse, Adult Swim has announced plans to sever ties with the problematic EP an…
Report: Austin Butler spent years stealing music from black artists to prepare for “Elvis” role
LOS ANGELES – Method actor Austin Butler shared the lengths he went to in order to get into character of the legendary singer Elvis Presley by appropriating Black culture for profit for sev…
In historic first, Dollarama opens second cash
MONTREAL – A local Dollarama defied every expectation and opened a second cash register at the St. Laurent location in the plateau at approximately 3:44 PM on Friday. The register was open…
Groundbreaking animal mind-reading study reveals ‘nothing interesting’
VANCOUVER – An international team of scientists has concluded a revolutionary study investigating the inner workings of the animal mind and the results are: nothing interesting. The study i…
Guy giving urine sample can’t stop peeing
FREDERICTON – Onlookers are stunned as local software engineer Tyler Fontaine has spent the last 6 days continuously urinating into a medical sample cup. For the past 140 hours, staff and o…
Doug Ford moves to protect 1.8 million acres of urban sprawl from encroachment of Greenbelt
PICKERING, ON – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has passed legislation that will help protect precious low-density housing, winding streets, and majestic parking lots from the encroachment of the…
Danielle Smith warns that Justin Trudeau’s reckless politics will get 400 million Albertans fired
EDMONTON – Premier Danielle Smith has warned that Ottawa’s upcoming Just Transition bill will cost hundreds of millions of Albertans their jobs in the oil and gas industry. “After a federal memo …
