OTTAWA – The new Liberal budget was officially released yesterday, with the government unveiling a number of plans involving new programs and spending, including $10 bajillion dollars for whatev...
X employee takes extra shifts in Musk’s emerald mine to make ends meet
San Francisco, Zambia – Twitter née X programmer Terry Llyod has picked up a few night shifts in CEO Elon Musk’s emerald mine to pay off some of his rent. “It’s really my only option at this poi...
NHL to expand to every city in North America except Quebec City
NEW YORK CITY – The NHL has announced that every single metropolitan area with a population of at least 100,000 people in North America will soon be getting an NHL team, with the small exception...
OJ Simpson funeral to feature ceremonial televised white bronco chase
LOS ANGELES – With the passing of former football star and double homicide enthusiast OJ Simpson, the family has announced that the funeral procession will take the form of a highly-televised lo...
OJ Simpson dies surrounded by family members he didn’t murder
LOS ANGELES – Former American football star turned actor turned guy who was found liable for killings but not convicted criminally OJ Simpson has succumbed to a battle with cancer, surrounded by...
Canada suffering productivity crisis, says government that does nothing
OTTAWA – Canada is in the midst of a severe productivity crisis, warns a report from Canada’s federal government, who also does jack shit. “This is an issue that cannot be ignored,” said a spoke...
10 names for Utah’s new NHL team even less representative of the state than Jazz
The NHL is set to unveil Salt Lake City, Utah as the next home of the Arizona Coyotes and everyone is wondering “what will the team name be?” Well since the New Orleans Jazz moved to Utah ...
Kid taken out of school early shocked by mundanity of adult world
CORNWALL, ON – Jacob Ryland, 4th grader at Rose Elementary, got the best news of his life at 1:48PM last Wednesday when he was asked to pack up his things and go to the office to meet his mother...
Ford announces LCBO paper bags to double as his affordable housing plan
QUEEN’S PARK – In a bid to provide economic relief to struggling Ontarians, Premier Doug Ford has ordered the LCBO to return to providing customers free paper bags – a move that he n...
Trump clarifies abortion stance as “whatever will convince you, personally, to vote for me”
PALM BEACH, FL – In a video statement taped at his Mar-a-Lago country club, former President Trump assured voters that his firmly held stance on abortion is also whatever stance will create a su...
