EARTH – Across the globe sales of champagne, a beverage commonly associated with celebrating good news, have spiked, with customers insisting it’s “not for any particular occasion” while si…
World
Global security threat infects global security threat
WASHINGTON – A dangerous threat to global stability and human health announced he has contracted a dangerous threat to global stability and human health. The deadly pair have ruined nationa…
BREAKING: Archaeologists uncover the ballot that killed Adolf Hitler
BERLIN ─ After 85 years of searching, a team of archaeologists have finally uncovered what they believe to be the single ballot that killed Adolf Hitler. “This is simply astonishing work,” lead p…
Parents no longer consoling kids with: ‘it’s not the end of the world’
TORONTO – Parents across the planet have been racking their brains for new ways to calm their distressed children after realizing that the commonly used phrase: “it’s not the end of the world” no…
UN charity asks world to donate cell phone data to needy Canadians
NEW YORK – The UN General Assembly has approved a new development fund, which is calling upon countries to donate their cell phone data to a needy Canadian. “The United Nations Data Relief …
Putin assures world COVID-19 vaccine has been rigorously tested on political opponents
MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced the successful development of the world’s first COVID-19 vaccine, which was rigorously tested on his political opponents and journali…
Humanity at point where it’s honestly fine with robots taking over
EVERYWHERE – Humans across the globe report a growing consensus that having artificial intelligence ruling the land wouldn’t be such a bad idea. “I really think it’s for the best,” Mary Wilvin of…
UK government advises residents to pick up cricket bat, wait by door for coronavirus
LONDON – Expanding on the U.K. government’s new advice that the public deal with the ongoing health threat of COVID-19 by “staying alert,” Prime Minister Boris Johnson is also recommending …
North Korean officials claim Kim Jong-un not dead, just messy bitch who loves drama
Pyongyang, North Korea – Kim Jong-un’s disappearance from the public eye has raised eyebrows about the North Korean leader’s health, even going so far as to assume he is dead. However…
Japan, IOC postpone all 2020 Olympic events except fencing
TOKYO – Amid the rising COVID-19 pandemic, the International Olympic Committee along with the Japanese government has released a statement confirming that while the majority of the summer g…
