TORONTO – BMW driver Troy Landau says he has discovered the secret to a long life, viewing each day as a gift in which he has the chance to scream profanities at somebody he has never screa…
Toronto
TTC closed this weekend between wherever you are and wherever you want to go
TORONTO – Interfering with your plans, the Toronto Transit Commission has closed the subway, streetcar and/or bus line from the place you currently are right now, all the way to wherever it…
Toronto police neutralize knife wielding man on bus with barrage of words
TORONTO – A tense altercation with a man brandishing a knife on a TTC bus ended in a hail of words projected by Toronto Police. “It was one sentence after another until the man couldn’t take it a…
John Tory vows to combat Toronto’s out-of-control Drowzee infestation
TORONTO – Declaring that the city’s Drowzee scourge can no longer be tolerated, Toronto Mayor John Tory vowed that he would take swift, decisive action against the problem. “We are aware of…
LCBO offers at-home delivery through Canada Post for highly-organized alcoholics
TORONTO – Today the Liquor Control Board of Ontario announced that it would sell products online, available for delivery through Canada Post, in an effort to target well-organized alcoholic…
Gay cop delivers open letter to Black Lives Matter protestors while carding them
TORONTO – A gay police officer has personally delivered an open letter about the Pride parade protest to organizers of Black Lives Matter Toronto, while illegally collecting their personal …
Financial capital of Canada pauses so streetcar driver can move tracks with big stick
TORONTO – The largest economic power in the nation came to a grinding halt this morning as Eddie, the streetcar operator, struggled to properly move the Dundas streetcar tracks using his la…
Zoo officials hope patrons don’t notice they’ve replaced capybaras with giant TTC rats
TORONTO – With two capybaras having escaped from the High Park Zoo earlier this week, administrators are hoping that zoo visitors don’t notice that the animals have been temporarily r…
Toronto man continues streak of totally meaning to have gone to Hot Docs
TORONTO – Self-dubbed film fanatic Calvin Rows has kept alive his now four-year streak of intending to have gone to the Hot Docs Festival. Rows ensured the streak’s continuation by spending…
Attorney General promises to release SIU report on Loku shooting as soon as cops finish rewriting it
TORONTO – Ontario attorney general Madeline Meilleur, who earlier this week told reporters she would not release the secret report explaining why Ontario’s police watchdog cleared a Toronto polic…
