MONACO – Calling it their most successful day yet, the Monte Carlo police force handed out $433,000 worth of speeding tickets in just 3 hours of traffic stops at yesterday’s Formula One rac…
Sports
Raptors fan seeks therapy to help cope with success
TORONTO, ON – Long time Raptors fan Dave Burkle admits to suffering unusual amounts of stress and anxiety during the Raptors historic playoff run. “I feel like I lost 3 months off my life,” said …
Russian athlete’s urine burns through testing cup
ROME — A Russian track and field’s athlete’s urine has spontaneously reacted with a testing cup during a routine drug test. The incident occurred some time after the very muscular long-jump…
Dwyane Wade angers Canadians by claiming US won War of 1812 during O Canada
MIAMI — Further angering many Canadians, Miami Heat shooting guard Dwyane Wade has claimed that the United States of America was victorious in the War of 1812 while the Canadian national an…
Non-basketball fans terrified by news of advancing Raptors
TORONTO – Canadians not following this year’s NBA playoffs now find themselves engulfed in a state of panic and confusion after waking up this morning to news of the advancing Raptors. “WAIT, WHI…
Toronto Maple Leafs announce route for Draft Lottery victory parade
TORONTO – After an amazing come from behind win catapulted the Leafs to their first such victory in decades, the team has revealed the time and place of their upcoming Draft Lottery victory…
Bandwagon fan proudly brings Jays gear to Raptors game
TORONTO – Local man Joseph Dorn, who regularly and loudly proclaims that he “lives and bleeds Toronto sports” has accidentally worn his Jose Bautista jersey and several other baseball-relat…
Making playoffs forces Phil Kessel to cancel annual fishing trip
A distraught Phil Kessel was forced to cancel his annual fishing trip with his buddies yesterday after the Pittsburgh Penguins made the NHL playoffs despite his best efforts. “I was pretty hopefu…
The one guy who likes All-Star games, Sting and Cirque du Soleil going pretty nuts right now
With the NBA All Star game taking place in Toronto this year, sources have confirmed that Andrew Hall, the one and only person who likes top-notch All Star basketball, singer songwriter Sting, an…
Vince Carter skips NBA All-Star tribute to attend master’s graduation ceremony
TORONTO, ON — Vince Carter has decided to attend his master’s graduation ceremony instead of NBA All Star tribute, because “it’s the most Vinsanity thing to do.” “It was my dream to slam du…
