OTTAWA – A new federal mental health initiative has seen the opening of a 24/7 distress hotline that will provide emergency support for Canadians who have been forced to cheer for the Oiler…
Sports
Inventive refs develop new way to help Panthers win beyond the favourable whistle
Sunrise, FL – In a landmark win for referee science, the team of Wes McCauley and Francis Charron have come up with a new way to help the Panthers win: physically blocking Oilers players in…
Hockey players shake hands, say there are no hard feelings about the permanent brain damage
MIAMI, FLORIDA – After an intensely violent hockey match, the Florida Panthers have formed a line to shake hands and assure their opponents, the Carolina Hurricanes, that they feel no resen…
Convoluted new UEFA Champions League structure forces PSG to play themselves in the final
MUNICH – French soccer champions Paris Saint-Germain were told by UEFA that, having accidentally eliminated all other clubs by a bookkeeping error in their complicated new tournament system…
Researchers warn Tim Horton’s in-app NHL Hockey Challenge is a gateway to drinking their coffee
HAMILTON, ON – Researchers are sounding alarm bells about the NHL Hockey Challenge on the Tim Hortons app, claiming the in-app fantasy hockey game is a ‘gateway’ that can lead users to drink the …
Leafs jersey thrown onto ice gets by Toronto’s defence and into the back of their net
TORONTO – A frustrated Maple Leafs fan threw their jersey onto the ice during a crushing 6-1 playoff defeat to the Florida Panthers, which the Leafs promptly allowed to slide past them and into t…
“One day I’ll be dead and I won’t have to watch this team,” thinks Leafs fan to cheer himself up
TORONTO – In the wake of the Leafs discovering a new playoff performance low point even lower than their previous playoff lowpoints, fan Martin Scheffel advised that he takes comfort in the…
Rick Tocchet announced as NDP party leader
VANCOUVER – Just days after appointing MP Don Davies as their interim leader, the federal NDP have announced that the role will be permanently filled by Vancouver Canucks former head coach …
In embarrassing snafu, starting line-up of St. Louis Cardinals included in Conclave to elect new pope
VATICAN CITY – In a clear administrative error by the Holy See, the recently convened Conclave to choose the next pope has mistakenly included both the entire College of Cardinals as well as the …
Federal election postponed until all Canadian teams eliminated from playoffs
OTTAWA – After rescheduling tonight’s French language leaders debate to accommodate a Montreal Canadiens playoff game, Elections Canada has announced that the entire federal election …
