By Jeanette Francis Listen son, I know that this is the sort of thing that you’re not usually supposed to talk about with your children, but mama’s had a couple of wines and you’re cornered in th…
Editorial
Ya, you should probably start getting really afraid of Sinkholes
By a Sinkhole Hey my man, I know you’ve been worrying about a lot of things lately – sharks, parasites you can only get in countries you will never visit, and the specific contents of…
Man, who would have thought me playing Abraham Lincoln would have generated all this awards talk?
By Daniel Day-Lewis I have just been told that my performance as Abraham Lincoln, 16th president of the United States of America, has been and will continue to be receiving a number of awards fro…
That’s just great! Red pants are finally in fashion the same year I get my darn legs severed in a motorcycle accident
By Amada Sweeps When it comes to fashion, I’m always ahead of my time, but honestly, I feel like the Gods, or some higher fashion power is stopping me from taking the credit I deserve. Red pants …
Vampire lesbians in movies are much more attractive than actual vampire lesbians
By Melvin Silver PhD Candidate in Cinema Studies at the University of Toronto Vampire lesbians are a staple of horror films, spawning one of my favorite sub-genres. From the early and subtle appr…
Everybody wants that shirt off
By Big House Barry To the business woman I kept seeing in the park: Heyyyy baby. What you sayin’ girl? …Oh, I see, you’re too busy with what’s in that little pocket robot of yours. All full of ph…
To be perfectly honest, I couldn’t give a shit what you have to say to me
By a Voice Recorder Listen. First off, I know we’ve been working together for quite some time. I appreciate your loyalty when you could easily buy a more modern and convenient iPod touch with a b…
Anybody want to come over this weekend to help me balance the budget?
By Finance Minister Jim Flaherty Hey hey it’s that time of year again! Old J Flarez is throwing another one of his EPIC help-me-balance-the-budget parties. This party is going to be off the…
It’s not always our fault
By Your Genes Well, we’ve been a pretty convenient whipping boy. Always there to take the heat of personal responsibility. You’re 40 pounds overweight, damn. You must have got that fa…
Our city needs to bind together and do something about the issue currently making headlines
By Catherine Del Pierro Today I would like to write about something that desperately needs all of our attention. Our city has neglected this matter for too long, whatever it is. Yes, it’s time fo…
