By Melvin Silver
PhD Candidate in Cinema Studies at the University of Toronto
Vampire lesbians are a staple of horror films, spawning one of my favorite sub-genres. From the early and subtle approach of Dracula’s Daughter (1936) to the exquisite eroticism of The Vampire Lovers (1970), to the charming wit of Dennis Miller in Bordello of Blood (1996), decades of movie goers have been treated to sublime creatures that are half supermodel and half bloodthirsty monster, representing the male cultural perspective of women as both beautiful and dangerous.
But man, I saw some real vampires lesbians while I was out walking my miniature labradoodle the other night, and WOOF! I can tell you as an expert in cinema (and as someone who has eyes), those actual night-stalking lady lovers are just absolute dogs! Not sexy at all! I know they can’t see themselves in a mirror, but come on!
Sure, you could say that movies put a lot of time and money into making the girls look great, creating an unrealistic standard of beauty. Just think of the hundreds of man-hours that went into wardrobe and makeup for Vampire Lesbian Killers (2009). But those bullish bush beaters weren’t even trying!
There was this one chick, I swear to God, indistinguishable from a construction worker. Which is fine if you work in construction, but it’s midnight in the forest and you’re chanting “constant craving” around a bonfire with a bunch of other homely old bags. Get closer ladies. Maybe you can singe off your gross teenage boy moustaches!
Now as most feminist analyses correctly conclude, lesbian vampire movies are more a comment on men than they are on women, since man is always the prey. The message: women (especially queer women) are not to be trusted. They trap him with their supernatural sexual allure. Even though there is a sado-masochistic element, especially present in the oft repeated biting of the male member, in the end, she has no interest in him aside from that of a meal. A girl’s gotta eat, right?
Except for that one morbidly obese vampire lesbian I saw. She could stand to miss a few blood lettings. Honestly, how much blood do you have to suck to get that fat? I didn’t even know there was fat in blood until I saw her rolling around in a Rascal scooter! I’m no paranormal physician, but I think she had vampire gout, or at least their equivalent of type-2 diabetes. Also, she had the most armpit hair out of the lot of them, which is really saying something.
There was like, maybe one that was kinda cute. With short black hair and a nose ring, she looked a little like a Fairuza Balk from The Craft (1996), except she was a vampire, not a witch, and was older and unkempt… Maybe it was Fairuza Balk… Anyway, other than that, I don’t care how supernatural their allure is up close, I’ve come to realize it just wouldn’t be worth it. Which is unfair, considering how much work male vampires put into their appearance. It takes time to always look dashing and sparkle like diamonds when exposed to UV light.
I’ve been watching these movies for years, waiting for a moment like this, hoping to be abused by a pack of undead underwear models, only find out that I’m better off at the pet cemetery. I don’t mean to paint with broad strokes, it’s just seeing them in real life really killed the fantasy. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised. I felt the same way after I met an actual 50-foot woman. Looking back on it, she was probably a lesbian.
