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Local
Red-haired woman bragging about how easily she sunburns for some reason
VANCOUVER — Attendees of a local barbecue report that a red-haired woman is talking animatedly about how easily she gets sunburned, for reasons that cannot be determined by anyone at the scene or…
Nation just trying to keep Uncle Dave off the topic of Caitlyn Jenner
NATIONWIDE – With Caitlyn Jenner’s courageous gender transition making worldwide headlines, the nation is just desperately trying to keep Uncle Dave from sharing his opinions on the issue w…
Courtroom stenographer actually writing stenographer fan-fiction
OTTAWA – A recent analysis of transcripts has revealed that stenographer Maggie Peck has actually been working on a work of fiction about the sensual life of a courtroom stenographer. “I st…
Landlord definitely knew about single, giant bedbug before you signed
TORONTO – Despite his claims to the contrary, sources confirm there’s ‘literally no way’ your new landlord didn’t know about the four-foot bedbug living in the second bedroom. “I no know ab…
The Economist magazine ‘mind-numbingly boring,’ says City of Vancouver
VANCOUVER – Responding to criticism from the weekly news magazine The Economist, the City of Vancouver held a press conference Tuesday to publicly decry the magazine’s lack of danger or exc…
Tough Guy Lobby launches campaign to reclaim tattoos from nation’s hipsters
WINNIPEG – Speaking from a national summit of the Canadian Tough Guy Lobby, spokesman Brick “Brick House” Hammers has announced a nationwide campaign aimed at reclaiming tattoos from Canada…
Plaid burka latest fad in Albertastan
CALGARY – The NDP’s majority win in the Alberta provincial election has had an unforeseen effect on the province, besides just turning it into a fundamentalist Muslim society governed by Sh…
Ontario PCs down 8% in polls after reminding voters they exist
TORONTO – The Ontario Provincial Conservative Party took an 8% dive in the polls after the recently concluded leadership contest reminded Ontarians it was still around. According to the lat…
All new mom wants for Mother’s Day is an IUD
TORONTO – New mother Megan Hill knows what she wants from her babies this mother’s day, and that’s the promise she will never have another baby ever again. “When I got pregnant with our twins Vio…
