L.A. – Consumer reports indicate that BMW and Tesla are still the top vehicle choices for wealthy pieces of shit. “BMW has historically dominated the trust fund douchebag demographic,” said…
Business
5 biggest changes Elon Musk will make to twitter
World’s richest edgelord Elon Musk has reached a deal to buy twitter. While the deal still needs shareholder approval, it is likely to go through. Here are the 5 biggest changes Musk will m…
Twitter bursts into flames and rams pedestrians immediately after Musk buy
SAN FRANCISCO – After Tesla CEO and richest man alive Elon Musk’s bid to buy controlling shares of Twitter succeeded, the app subsequently burst into flames and began ramming nearby pedestr…
“As we know, I invented Twitter” claims Elon Musk three months from now
SAN FRANCISCO — Tech billionaire Elon Musk launched a hostile takeover of Twitter today shortly after becoming the company’s single largest shareholder. While the social media platform’s future i…
Businesses experiencing ‘just average’ call volume for the first time since 2020
VICTORIA, BC – After claiming to be experiencing higher than average call volume for a suspiciously long period of time during COVID-19, businesses are now reporting daily customer calls have dro…
Toronto man who left the door unlocked finds apartment turned into a weed shop
TORONTO, ON- A Toronto resident returned home today to a sure sign that he forgot to lock his front door; a retail weed store run out of his apartment. “When I saw all the kids lined up in the ha…
New Tesla safety feature requires user retweet Elon Musk to start vehicle
AUSTIN, TX — On the heels of news that Elon Musk had become Twitter’s single largest shareholder, Tesla Motors has unveiled a new safety feature requiring the driver to demonstrate being ca…
CRTC approves Rogers-Shaw deal to protect Canadians from dangers of choice paralysis
OTTAWA – The Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission has approved the acquisition of Shaw broadcasting services by Rogers in a move being touted as in ‘the best interest…
Terrible cafe no longer able to blame lockdown for failing business
Etobicoke, ON – As capacity limits and other public health limits are lifted throughout Ontario, the owners of Geralds Koffee Korner are no longer able to blame lockdowns for their complete…
Hasbro ends all elective games of Operation amid COVID surge
PAWTUCKET, RI – As the US healthcare system struggles under the weight of new Omicron admissions, toy and board game maker Hasbro has announced that all non-critical games of Operation will…