HOLLYWOOD – In a dramatic and unforeseen turn of events, Julianna Markus, contestant on popular cooking show Chopped may not be able to finish making her meal before the time limit expires.…
Auditor reveals Alison Redford spent over $70,000.00 in taxpayer money on her resignation letter
CALGARY – An addendum to the damming report of the Auditor General of Alberta on former Premier Alison Redford’s expenses has revealed that, in addition to the malfeasance that drove her fr…
Report: 10% of entrants on America’s Funniest Home Videos later died from internal bleeding
HOLLYWOOD – A new report by the Film and Television Safety Institute has confirmed that, every year, 10% of the entrants on the hilarious television show America’s Funniest Home Videos have…
Canadians stealing state secrets from China find nothing but Canadian state secrets
DANDONG, CHINA- Two married Canadian nationals accused of stealing state secrets from the Chinese government have admitted to the act of subterfuge, but have claimed that the only secrets they di…
Study: 9 out of 10 people on fire don’t care about conflict in Middle East
EDMONTON – A new study has found high levels of apathy among Canadians towards the ongoing violence and chaos in Gaza, as 90% of individuals whose skin was currently ablaze with flames said…
Sexy teens pretty sure axe-wielding maniac dead for good this time
CAMP DIAMOND RIVER, ONTARIO – Confident that the axe wielding maniac who has terrorized them over the past 34 hours is definitely dead this time, following a struggle that saw him shot mult…
Local man successfully avoids saying anything controversial about Israel-Palestine situation
GUELPH, ON – Against all odds local man Jack Whitehall has managed to engage in a carefully nuanced discussion of the current strife between Israel and Palestine without saying anything tha…
House Republicans sue Obama for emotional distress brought on by his presidency
WASHINGTON D.C. – Leaders of the Congressional Republicans recently announced their intention to commence a lawsuit against President Barack Obama over the severe psychological harm and anx…
Red Hot Chili Peppers write coherent song lyric
After 20 years and millions of albums sold, Grammy winning recording artists The Red Hot Chili Peppers have written their first ever song lyric that actually makes sense. “It all started wh…
Breaking: 4 stabbed in downtown Hamilton, probably
HAMILTON – Authorities have confirmed that, while they haven’t checked in a while, it is “quite likely” that at least 4 people in Hamilton have been stabbed today. “I don’t want…
