TORONTO – Prime Minister Mark Carney’s Canada Investment Summit, in which executives and global asset managers have gathered to discuss investing hundreds of trillions into Canada’s economy, reportedly kicked off with a ticketed raffle to take home Prince Edward Island.
“$2 per ticket, or $10 for an arm’s length to take home Canada’s most adorable province!” shouted Carney as he walked through the crowd of billionaire hedge fund managers and financial elites. “All proceeds go to a good cause – namely paying for the tax deductions I’ll be giving you if you invest in Canada!”
With previously-discussed national fundraising options including selling off Canada’s airports, Productivity Mega Deduction tax incentives, and leasing out Drake, Carney described the PEI raffle as “a fun little gimmick to boost foot traffic” among the wealthiest financial elites in the history of the planet.
“I’ll take 20 tickets – this Prince Edward Island could be a good place to store my helicopter collection,” noted Sultan Ahmed al-Jaber, managing director of state-run Abu Dhabi National Oil Co.
Interest in the PEI raffle reportedly cooled after numerous financial titans realized there was little possibility to construct any oil pipelines through unwilling communities on the island. The PM then countered by promising summit investors that along with winning PEI, they won’t ever have to set foot in the country again before extracting billions in Canadian resources.
In a related story, self-described billionaire Kevin O’Leary is reportedly still arguing with a bouncer outside the Canada Investment Summit, insisting that he is definitely supposed to be on the list and there has been some mistake.
