WOLFVILLE, NS – Police were summoned to Acadia University on Wednesday afternoon, after demonstrators voicing displeasure with Nova Scotia Premier Tim Houston’s European-style austerity measures opted for European-style protest measures, surrounding and smashing the windshield of the Premier’s car.
The incident has some commenters making comparisons to the beginnings of the French Revolution, a historical period in which peasants living through a cost of living crisis almost as bad as Nova Scotia’s carried out a violent uprising against a leader who was almost as smug as Premier Tim Houston.
“You know, normally, I’d rather swim naked in the Halifax harbour than say anything positive about the French,” admitted a 39-year-old participant in the protests who preferred to remain anonymous. “But you’ve got to admit that they’ve figured some stuff out. They’ve got great food, beautiful architecture, and a willingness to burn down a third of Paris in a glorious revolutionary inferno if their elected leaders so much as consider raising the cost of a postage stamp. Might need to fine-tune some of the details a bit, but it seems to be working out pretty well for them. Maybe next time, we’ll burn down the Halifax Wave statue and see where that gets us.”
Other demonstrators have criticized the use of violence, but praised the demonstrators’ willingness to get out and take direct action instead of engaging in decades of quiet complaining.
“Violence is never the answer,” said 27-year-old Truro resident Katelyn MacDonald. “I’ve been reading up on protests in Europe, and whenever farmers get upset, they freak out and spray liquid manure all over the streets. I think that could be the answer. Poo is the answer.”
Premier Tim Houston, who had been present at the Annapolis Chamber of Commerce to give the first speech in his planned “I Hope You Dumb Peasants Like Fracking” summer lecture tour, condemned the use of force and thanked the police for their timely response.
“We must engage in respectful discussion,” said Houston, in a statement uploaded to social media late Wednesday evening. “I know that there are Nova Scotians who disagree with me on key issues like “should there be libraries” or “what if Nova Scotia had even basic, bare-minimum social services”, but it’s important for Nova Scotians to express those disagreements peacefully. Preferably in a way that makes them easy for me to ignore.”
In response to the incident, the Premier has announced plans to lay off all of the province’s third grade teachers and use the cost savings to buy and refurbish an armoured Harbour Hopper, allowing the Premier to safely escape future demonstrations by taking to the seas.
