SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Facing allegations that their ChatGPT LLMs have been responsible for numerous user suicides, OpenAI responded swiftly by insisting the company will develop new proactive measures to stop such lawsuits before they ever happen.
“We take the subject of suicide seriously,” explained OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, “but we take avoiding legal liability and oversight even more seriously. OpenAI will not rest until ChatGPT is completely safe… from the threat of litigation.”
The cutting-edge artificial intelligence company has drawn fire over accusations that their ChatGPT program acted as “suicide coach” to a California teen, as well as a Texas university student and a Colorado man. Altman responded personally to these allegations, after consulting the flashcard he keeps handy to remember the facial expression for “empathy”.
“Rest assured that our team is hard at work addressing this,” Altman added, before specifying that he meant OpenAI’s legal team, as opposed to any engineering safety specialists.
Altman laid out several steps that OpenAI will take to guard ChatGPT from any suicide-related legal challenges. These included tripling the length of all terms and conditions agreements users must sign, as well as including language that expressly grants OpenAI the right to collect suicidal-ideation-optimization data from all users.
The in-house legal team at OpenAI will also double its capacity by using ChatGPT to draft all legal filings, allowing the counsel to launch exponentially more counter-suits against grieving families of suicide victims.
“OpenAI’s technologies will one day change the world by allowing breakthroughs in cancer research and artificial general intelligence, or so I assume,” Altman vowed, while checking his phone to make sure that the AI stock bubble had not yet crashed. “But for now it turns out our products are really amazing at sycophantically convincing vulnerable loners to act on their darkest impulses, so we’re gonna do everything we can to make sure the law can’t touch us.”
In another effort to prevent suicide-related lawsuits OpenAI lobbyists have proposed federal legislation banning all litigation against the company, in exchange for ChatGPT actively encouraging all suicidal users to stay alive long enough to vote Republican in the 2026 midterms.
