OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has vowed that 2026 will see huge economic growth for Canada’s GDP, manufacturing, and exports, none of which will redound to you in the slightest.
Despite challenging economic trends in the previous year, Carney has forecasted that Canada’s economy will modestly outperform expectations in for sectors like Asian exporters, resource extraction multinationals, and anybody who makes around 10x or more than the chicken feed that you earn.
“This year we will overcome the difficult trade climate coming from the United States, and Canadians will prosper,” explained Carney in a press conference, “that is, provided they own offshore investments, massive real estate holdings, or substantial generational wealth. I’m not really sure what the rest of you do with your time, but I’m not really talking about you here at all.”
“Basically, if you actually work for a living as opposed to accruing wealth from your holdings, you can ignore this whole speech,” Carney noted.
The PM went on to outline how 2026’s projected economic prosperity will remain steady while also not applying to you, anybody you know, or especially anybody in your meagre tax bracket.
“My Liberal Government is prepared to secure vulnerable industries like auto and steel manufacturing, provided none of the money we provide is used to benefit rank and file workers in any way whatsoever,” Carney outlined to a crowd of cheering PMO staffers. Carney also noted how the term “Canadian economy” really only applies to money circulating through the top 1% of earners or corporations, meaning it’s “not technically a lie to say that the ‘Canadian economy’ will do great this year.”
Asked if he was following a similar tactic to U.S. President Donald Trump in dismissing affordability concerns for average working Canadians, Carney responded, “Not at all. President Trump is claiming affordability is a Democrat hoax, whereas I’m not even mentioning it at all. Totally different.”
At press time Carney asked every Canadian who can afford a home to step forward, but told you “Not so fast”.
