OTTAWA – In light of economic difficulties facing the nation, Prime Minister Mark Carney reminded Canadians to pause their own holiday celebrations and give generously to billionaire shareholders whose year-end dividends may be slightly lower this year.
Speaking to Canadians in a televised holiday address, Carney reminded Canadians that “while we are all facing challenging times this Christmas, nobody deserves your generosity and money more than the wealthy investors whose portfolios took slight dips in 2025.”
“Canada’s economy took some hard hits this year,” noted the economist and former Governor of the Banks of England and Canada. “And of course when I say ‘economy’ I mean the wealth circulating around the nation’s CEO and donor class. I’m not really sure what it is the rest of you even do for a living.”
Referring to unavoidable natural catastrophes, like American tariffs and steady-yet-underperforming economic growth, the PM was resolute. “Like all Canadians, these brave plutocrats are forced to make hard choices this Christmas, like only purchasing one yacht instead of two yachts, or building a slightly smaller Muskoka mega-cottage,” Carney added, wiping a tear away from his eye.
Carney also pleaded for Canadians to donate any extra cash they have to these “hardest hit elite investors”, as well as down on their luck CEOs, VPs, and Galen Weston Jrs.
Across the nation, everyday Canadians responded to the Prime Minister’s impassioned Yuletide plea to help boost corporate compensation and investor dividends.
Marge Verdana of Newmarket notes, “Well, I was gonna serve my family lasagna this year instead of Christmas turkey, but I suppose I could donate some of that money directly to Scotiabank CEO Scott Thomson and serve crackers instead.”
Simon Chang of Vancouver adds, “I was already gonna add a little extra onto my $3000/month rent, just because my landlord’s passive income dipped slightly in 2025. Merry Christmas!”
In Calgary, Billy Crimble adds, “I was busy selling some blood when I heard my local Tim Hortons might not get to hire as many temporary foreign workers next year. So me and some of the local community gathered together to work counter shifts for free until they get back on their feet!”
Asked how everyday Canadians who don’t own lucrative stock portfolios might make ends meet this Christmas, Carney added that “I hear food banks in Europe are fairly well-stocked”.
