BARRIE – In the face of the Trump administration’s trade war, everyday Canadians have been taking drastic measures to support the Canadian economy – such as purchasing and pretending to genuinely enjoy Pizza Pizza.
The “elbows up” movement has seen loyal Canadians boycotting American-made products, cutting out their favourite brands, and paying the ultimate sacrifice: ordering and actively consuming Pizza Pizza.
“Papa John’s is MAGA, Pizza Hut is centrist at best. But at least there’s a Pizza Pizza at every strip mall,” said a local customer outside one of the restaurant’s locations in Ontario. He agreed to speak with The Beaverton on condition of anonymity, citing fear of social ostracization for subjecting his family to a Pizza Pizza purchase.
“Are they the best quality pizza chain in Canada? Maybe not. Are they the most popular pizza chain in Canada? Also no. But they are definitely a pizza chain in Canada. You can’t dispute that.”
Pizza Pizza has seen its market share in Canada rise significantly since January, while Canadians have realized we forgot to stop one shitty brand from establishing an industry monopoly. The company has expanded its product selections to meet this surge in customer demands, with its gourmet menu offering slightly thinner and fancier cardboard than the load-bearing particle board of its standard crust.
Recent testimonials on the Pizza Pizza website from Canada’s most loyal patriots are complimentary, for the usual standards:
“They have stuffed crust now, I guess.”
“If you want to have a dining experience like you’re eating the ghost of real pizza, Pizza Pizza is for you.”
“This is the only place open after midnight in my town. It’s…fine. 3 stars.”
“Two stars for the pizza, five stars for their dipping sauces. They’re absolutely a knockout. I stock up on hot honey and jalapeno cheddar and bring them home. But putting Pizza Pizza creamy garlic dipping sauce on their own pizza is like putting platinum rims on a Saturn.”
Pizza Pizza boasts much more than its flagship ‘pizza’ on its menu, offering other unique Canadian cuisine like stale two-bite brownies, poutine that is more threatening to Canadian cultural identity than American authoritarianism, and boneless chicken that really, really feels like it should have bones.
As their Canada-wide reach continues to grow, Pizza Pizza is reportedly also preparing to unveil its latest slogan: “We may not be ideal, whatever, we’re here.”
