OTTAWA – In what is being called “a tsunami of words,” Prime Minister Mark Carney is still answering a reporter’s question posed to him at a press conference six weeks ago.
Liberal MPs and staff are scrambling to keep the government running as Carney shows no signs of arriving at his point anytime soon. “Honestly, it sounds like he’s still laying the groundwork of his argument,” said one staffer between exhausted sobs.
Carney’s voluminous response started shortly after 1pm on June 30, when Jocelyn Mendoza, a reporter for The Canadian Press, asked Carney, “Are you against all tariffs?” Little did Mendoza know she would still be nodding along to the answer forty-two days later.
“I got worried as soon as he started talking,” texted Mendoza while pretending to take notes just a few feet from Carney’s podium. “First off, he said it was ‘a very interesting question.’ Bit of a red flag there. But when he said he ‘couldn’t provide a fulsome answer without first explaining the Ottoman-Persian War of 1623,’ I knew I was fucked.”
In his relatively brief time in the national spotlight, Carney has earned a reputation for answering reporters’ questions on his own terms, sometimes treating them like topic suggestions for an impromptu TedTalk. His current answer takes this to new heights, covering such far-flung topics as Haitian cuisine, the history of animal pelts as currency, his top ten Louise Penny books, a pitch for a “Harlem Globetrotters but for hockey,” tips for choosing a ripe cantaloupe, a nuanced take on the 1998 direct-to-video sequel Pocahontas 2: Journey to a New World, a limerick about federal equalization payments, and a Reddit theory about “the terrifying truth” behind Kim’s Convenience getting cancelled.
Reactions have largely followed party lines, with Conservative voter Marc Roy saying, “You’d think that in 60,480 minutes of freestyle blather, Carney would’ve said something useful about the US tariff problem, even by accident, but nope!”
Green Party supporter Colin Johns said, “We’ve been assaulted by heatwaves and wildfires all summer. The last thing we need from Carney is more hot air.”
Meanwhile, Liberal voter Alana Park said, “All I wanted was a leader who can speak in complete sentences. Holy freaking airball!!!”
Most observers agree that despite six weeks without food or sleep, Carney is still brimming with his signature Team-America-marionette energy. Photographer Mary Willis remarked, “He hasn’t stumbled over any words, or made a single grammatical error—not counting the ten days he switched to French, of course. Yikes.”
Mendoza, whose question started it all, observed, “The crazy thing is, it actually feels like he’s building up to a legitimate point. Hopefully, he gets to it before my kids have to go back to school.”
Unelected Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre commented briefly on the situation while campaigning in Alberta today, remarking, “Mr. Carney needs to get back to work for all Canadians,” after which, several bystanders were heard to say, “Ugh, I thought that guy would never shut up.
