WASHINGTON D.C. – President Donald Trump has threatened to tariff Canadian goods as a means of forcing Canadians to address circumstances that would cause future forest wildfires, a tactic that demonstrates the utmost limit of any future understanding he will ever have of climate change.
Observers note that Trump’s momentary linking of wildfire smoke to a government’s ability to mitigate the problem is “light years beyond” his standard assertions that climate change is a Chinese Antifa hoax. While this thought pattern is most certainly fleeting, it technically remains the most profound insight into the cause and effect of climate change that the 80-year-old president will experience in his entire life.
“By suggesting that Canadians should pay money because of environmental factors, even though that not how tariffs even work, I contend that he accidentally invented a carbon tax,” notes future presidential historian Maxwell Farthing, of the President Trump Psychological Analysis Institute. “Such a shame that the next documented that he uttered was ‘Can I sell Mexicans?'”
Trump Administration insiders have been quick to reassure their voting base that Trump’s insistence that “forest management” and sweeping of dead leaves could prevent forest fires in fact represents a complete ignorance of the mechanics of climate change.
“We want our MAGA voters to rest easy knowing that their President not only doesn’t understand climate change, but was unable to spell it on his five last cognitive exams,” explained White House Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy Stephen Miller. “We promise that Mr. Trump is far too deep in the pocket of Big Oil to ever fathom how climate change works, if his brain even functions at that high a level of reasoning anymore.”
In a related story, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney has reaffirmed his commitment to pretending he doesn’t understand climate change.
