HALIFAX – After months of slashing provincial revenue, Nova Scotia Premier Tim Houston has announced that he has been forced to entirely cut the Atlantic Ocean from the province.
Since winning re-election in 2024 Houston’s Conservative government has slashed government revenue, including 1% from the HST and HRM bridge tolls, which the Premier’s office insists have necessitated “drastic cuts to all maritime and oceanic waters”.
In the wake of $304.9 million worth of cuts to public programs, services, and staff, today’s announcement will see all 7,933 kilometres of Nova Scotia’s coastline eliminated in the name of government austerity.
“Nova Scotians elected me with a clear mandate to starve government revenues before making catastrophic cuts to their standard of living,” Houston said, standing in front of a completely-drained Halifax Harbour. “Or at least, that’s how I interpreted it.”
“Anyway, the point is that we can no longer afford to have an ocean,” Houston continued, “which is why I have sold it off to a consortium including Stern Partners Private Equity, Jared Kushner’s equity firm that got $2 billion from the Saudis, and whatever is left of the government of Iran.”
With hundreds of thousands of cubic miles of saltwater that previously comprised the province’s shoreline already removed, Nova Scotians are reacting to the latest austerity cuts.
“At least with all the cuts to seniors and long-term care, I won’t have to live as long in this province,” explained Archie MacMaster, of Glace Bay.
“I’m still confused how they actually removed all the ocean water, but at least I get to save 8 seconds on my drive through the MacKay bridge with the tolls gone,” notes Sheila Whebby, of Dartmouth.
“Finally, I have a private ocean where I can sail my third yacht in peace,” says private equity tycoon and Tim Houston dinner companion Trent Vichie, of New York.
While the removal of the ocean will eradicate Nova Scotia’s tourism, fishery, and shipping industries, Houston maintains that the maritime cuts are necessary.
“This province was becoming dangerously livable, and I vow that under my leadership I will never let that happen again,” Houston affirmed.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for a seaside vacation in St. Barts where they actually still have an ocean.”
