Winnipeg, MB – The results are in: All five candidates running to be the next leader of the NDP have finished in third place.
“Obviously, this isn’t the result I was hoping for,” said candidate Rob Ashton. “But if I couldn’t finish in third all by myself, a five-way tie is the next best thing.”
Ashton isn’t the only candidate celebrating his triumphant finish as the runner-up to the runner-up. Edmonton Strathcona MP Heather McPherson toasted her third-place finish with a call to action.
“The NDP finished fourth in all three federal elections under Jagmeet Singh,” said McPherson. “It’s time to return to our party’s glory days of finishing third under Tom Mulcair. This is the first step in that direction.”
However, other candidates questioned her ability to achieve that goal.
“Ms. McPherson has never even lost a federal election,” said Avi Lewis. “I, on the other hand, have lived experience finishing behind both the Liberal and Conservative candidates on multiple occasions.”
Added Tony McQuail, “I’ve been finishing third since some of these other candidates were in grade school!”
How did all five candidates manage to finish in third place? It’s important to note that Canada doesn’t have a two-party system, just a system in which only two parties are allowed to win.
So, a post-election survey found that most voters cast their ballots strategically, with Prime Minister Mark Carney earning more first-place votes than anyone actually running. As per Canadian election law, “Mark Carney speaking French” automatically finished in second.
“I would have voted for an NDP candidate if I thought any of them had a chance to win,” said Tanille Johnston, herself one of the candidates in the race.
Meanwhile, Pierre Poilievre has requested that someone give up their position for him so he can try again. He did not receive any votes.
As for who will lead the NDP, no one seems all that concerned. Instead, all five candidates held hands and announced in unison that they are looking forward to holding the most important job in politics: acting as the conscience for whoever actually has all the power.
