WASHINGTON, D.C. – U.S . President Donald Trump has threatened to halt the opening of a international bridge linking Windsor and Detroit, excluding Canadians from country that they have absolutely no interest in travelling to.
The Gordie Howe International Bridge, under construction since 2018, will stretch across the US/Canada border. However, Trump weighed in on the bridge, which is set to open later this year:
“As everyone knows, the Country of Canada has treated the United States very unfairly for decades,” Trump posted late into the night to his Truth Social platform. “But imagine, Canada is building a massive bridge between Ontario and Michigan. That is why I am immediately halting the bridge opening, to stop all these Canadians from coming here to vacation, as I assume they are currently doing.”
Reflecting on the President’s further threat that he is stopping the bridge opening due to Canadian trade relations with China, who Trump claims will “permanently eliminate The Stanley Cup,” Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney responded with the longest, most exhausted sigh. Carney then offered statement:
“Canada paid for the bridge, the bridge used US steel, it’s co-owned by Michigan, and Trump himself enthusiastically approved the bridge during his first term– Do I have to call him a hegemon again?”
Meanwhile, Canadians from coast to coast have reacted to the news that they will no longer be able to travel to the scenic paradise of industrial Michigan.
“I was already boycotting the United States since they stopped spelling ‘colour’ with a ‘U’, but this is an even better reason,” noted Arthur Chu of Burnaby, BC.
“I guess I’ll just have to stay here in Canada for my 18th rewatch of Heated Rivalry,” remarked Pamela Hersh of St. John’s, NFLD.
Sally Edwards of Gatineau adds, “Gosh, I’d really hoped to be abused by power-mad border guards before witnessing ethnic cleansing and extra-judicial homicides up close and in person, but it’s not like the Canadian/US border isn’t literally the longest international border in the world, with hundreds of alternative crossings so I guess I will just stay home.”
In a related story the American Bridge Troll Association has distanced itself from Trump’s threats to cancel the Gordie Howe International Bridge.
