DETROIT, MI – Billionaire Matthew Moroun, whose family recently lobbied the Trump administration to publicly threaten the Gordie Howe International Bridge which competes with their interests, has praised the ease of use of President Trump’s new EZ-Bribe phone app.
“Before when I wanted to bribe a public official it was a complicated matter of hiring lobbyists, backroom negotiations, and offering board seats to well-connected politicians,” explains Moroun, owner of Michigan’s Ambassador Bridge which will lose revenue once the better-designed Gordie Howe bridge opens.
“Now though,” Moroun continues, “with Mr. Trump’s EZ-Bribe system I can send money directly through his family’s cryptocurrency exchange, and within minutes I’m bringing international trade to screeching halt solely to benefit my own short term financial interests. Amazing!”
While the billionaire Moroun family has spent years and millions of dollars lobbying against the completion of the competing bridge in order to preserve their monopoly on Michigan’s commercial truck toll revenue, Trump’s EZ-Bribe app reportedly “simplified the process immeasurably”.
“It even has an AI assistant feature that can identify other low-level Trump officials worth bribing to quash competition,” Moroun enthused. “And it’s accurate most of the time!”
The EZ-Bribe app, coded using ChatGPT by Barron Trump while clubbing with Andrew Tate, is available on the Apple App Store and Google Play. It allows wealthy oligarchs to send funds directly to the Trump family pocket, converting instantly from rubles, riyals, or conflict diamonds.
SpaceX CEO Elon Musk reportedly used the EZ-Bribe app to stock up on pre-emptive presidential pardons. “It even sent me a tax deductible receipt,” noted Musk, before clarifying that he hasn’t paid any federal income tax in decades.
At press time, White House aides have taken to writing various pay-for-play bribes directly onto President Trump’s left hand so he doesn’t forget them.
