CALGARY – With over 87% of the Conservative Party of Canada voting to keep Pierre Poilievre as their leader at the 2026 Conservative Convention, Poilievre triumphantly announced that by reaffirming him they were voting to axe the tax, build the homes, and lose every single future election.
“I would like to thank my party for its belief in my inability to resist immediately attacking everything the Prime Minister says like an enraged chihuahua, my insistence on having our slogans written by three word AI Mad Libs, and my persistent refusal to acknowledge the fact that I am the problem,” Poilievre stated in his victory speech last night.
He then rallied the party faithful by asking, “Conservatives from all sides of the country: who’s excited for Mark Carney’s inevitable Liberal majority?!?”
Poilievre’s campaign manager Steve Outhouse stated that the 87.4% vote sends a strong message that the CPC stands behind its leader and his mandate, which in 2026 would continue to be “Rage bait my enemies until my next riding kicks me out.”
“Pierre is confident that under his leadership, Canada will continue to get angrier and more divided until he can justify bringing in draconian policies that would have seemed insane even ten years ago,” Outhouse said proudly. “He’s not going to stop until Donald Trump personally tells him he’s a good boy, because that is what Canadians want.”
“Starting today, the conservatives you elected will fix the budget, bring Canada home, and cross the floor.”
At press time, Prime Minister Mark Carney was settling into his office for a long, long time.
