SECOND CIRCLE OF HELL ― Speaking over screams for pity and the roaring wind buffeting those unfortunate souls convicted of regular lust, the Prince of Darkness expressed frustration Wednesday with the stubborn pleasure which Hell’s most hardcore masochists take in his punishments.
“It’s not the kink-curious we’re talking about. Of course, any sex that is both consensual and satisfying gets you sent to Hell, and that includes a lot of subs, but 99% of the time, they’re easy,” he explained. “A proper eternal flogging, and they’ll break down in the first five minutes of screaming the safeword and not having it work.”
However, even 1% is adding up as BDSM becomes more popular, and now the Devil has “a good number of pain sluts we just don’t know what to do with.” Besides working out punishments, he also has an overcrowding problem, with some being sent to the sixth circle for heresy or the seventh circle for inviting violence against themselves.
“We’re way beyond edgeplay. We’ve tried no-holds-barred knife play, we’ve tried electrified nipple clamps of an amperage that would kill anyone who wasn’t already dead, we’ve tried ― well, merely dwelling on what we use to anally penetrate these guys would be Hell for you mortals, and you’re not here yet, so I won’t say much. Just don’t look up how hot glassblowing gets or what the shrapnel can do to you.”
Loud moaning and screams of “Harder, Daddy” and “Yes, Mistress” testified to Satan’s dilemma. “They love it all. Even the gasoline-boarding,” he sighed, adding that they swapped that in for boiling piss after realizing they had many urophiles. “Similarly, we had to stop Virgil and Dante coming by, because all the exhibitionists were so turned on.”
Only the most hideous demons are assigned to stubborn masochists, but this has yielded only slight improvement, since the definitionally serious cases will take any gender or body.
“My real-life dom made me cum in my own mouth or perform analingus on him, which I thought was so hot. But no earthly punishment compares to this,” interrupted one condemned masochist.
“Here, they break your bones until you can eat your cum out of your own ass, and also, it tastes so much worse in Hell. And all the time, they’re screaming at you to repent, and even if you do, they say it’s too late and just keep going. It’s the best!”
He then broke off as Satan reached down his throat, disembowelled him, and choked him with his own entrails. “Those fucking brats. I know they want to be punished, but what am I supposed to do, I ask you? Can’t just let it go.
“Now, where was I? Oh yeah. Genital mutilation. Even that doesn’t work. These guys get off with body parts you haven’t even heard about.”
Leaked reports suggest Satan is currently in talks with God to see if the problem can be resolved by a sentence to an eternity of tender, affectionate marriages to Heaven’s most innocent and vanilla virgins.
