WASHINGTON D.C. – Following last night’s elimination of the New York Yankees, the United States Department of War has advised the White House that the Toronto Blue Jays are “perilously close” to acquiring the MLB World Series Commissioner’s Trophy.
Secretary of War Pete Hegseth reportedly briefed President Trump about the impending Blue Jays threat immediately after his latest hangover wore off. US military intelligence had allegedly reported that the Blue Jays were favourites going into the series, but despite this oncoming danger the Yankees were still destroyed.
With the Toronto team advancing to ALCS after infiltrating the United States at a New York border crossing, Hegseth insists that the United States’ best ball players may be “utterly unprepared to stop this foreign threat”.
The President was reportedly furious that the Canadian force had decimated a squadron of America’s finest Bronx bombers, and ordered Hegseth to immediately get on television in the tightest blue suit he could find to demand better results.
US military intelligence has also reported that the Blue Jays are in possession of “dangerous weapons”, namely one Vladimir Guerrero Jr, whose name indicates that he could be comprised of either Russian or Mexican hardware.
Late at night President Trump too to Truth Social to rail against the Canadian show of force.
“How dare these foreign criminals think they can come into our country and push us around – that’s my move for every other country! If they’re BLUE Jays that means they’re Democrats, which means they’re far left antifa terrorists. I’ll order my US Navy to airstike their entire bullpen like it was a Venezuelan speedboat. Thank you for your attention to this matter!”
Meanwhile, Toronto Blue Jays fans were awaiting deployment orders. “We’re either going to invade Seattle from our home base in Vancouver, or overtake Detroit from our nearby position in Windsor,” explained Maurice Flender, lieutenant in the Toronto Blue Jays Official Fan Club.”
“It will be dangerous, going behind enemy lines like that, but I dare some red state knuckle-dragger to say ’51st State’ to my face,” Flender added, filling a duffle bag with Jays commemorative baseball bats.
In a related story OKAY! (okay) BLUE JAYS! (blue jays) LET’S! PLAY! BALL!
