QUEEN’S PARK – Mere days after his government announced consultations over gutting Ontario tenants protections, the Ford Government has cancelled their plans after seeing a 5000% rise in the sale of guillotines, barricades, and other items from the French Revolution.
“Folks, it should come as no surprise that my government was open to exploring any avenue possible to make it easier for landlords to evict you and double a unit’s rent,” explained Ford as he peeked nervously out his office window.
“But it turns out threatening to remove the last remaining scraps of rent control was the only way to get Ontarians to set down their TikToks and start buying large bladed devices intended for beheading nobles,” Ford added, rubbing his own neck. “So we’re gonna table that consultation. I promise.”
Across Ontario, sales of guillotines, as well as executioner’s blades, have risen dramatically since the Ford rent control story emerged last week.
Patrick Longchamps, of manager of the Home Depot in Windsor, notes, “We thought this was just some Halloween fans buying up some really hardcore last minute decorations. But then we realized they were also buying household solvents to clean up blood, and realized this had to do with the rent control thing.”
“Thing is, I pay $2,100 a month to rent a basement apartment – in Windsor – so I started directing customers to various blade polishers that’ll make the beheadings go faster. Down with Doug Ford!”
With the average one bedroom apartment rent in Ontario hovering around $2,500 a month, analysts report that it makes more financial sense to purchase a large wooden apparatus designed expressly for decapitations, and then storm their local MPPs constituency office.
Reports also indicate that several town squares, all of which could accommodate a large wooden killing device and thousands of bloodthirsty commoners, have received permit applications for “public events”.
At press time, the Ford Government has announced it will go ahead with its consultations over legalizing the practice of landlords hunting their tenants, “most dangerous game” style.
