NEW YORK CITY – In a private meeting with Ukrainian President Volodymr Zelenskyy, US President Donald Trump stated he fully believes the embattled nation can take back all of its territory currently occupied by Russian forces, specifically if Ukraine can make supporting them “worth America’s while”.
“I think that Ukraine, with possible assistance from the European Union, is in a position to fight and win a bidding war against Russia for US support,” the President said from the bottom of the escalator that he was currently waiting to start up again. “If Ukraine agrees to stop bleeding us for foreign aid, and offer us something besides the moral victory and global stability, it can surely get all its land back and I’ll possibly even throw in Belarus.”
When questioned why he is now encouraging Ukraine despite his suspected and confirmed ties to the Kremlin, Trump claims that negotiating an agreement with Ukraine was a natural outcome. “Haggling with Zelenskyy combines three of my favourite things. Backpedaling, untrustworthiness, and collecting power with highly unethical deals.”
“So far, Putin’s given me a presidency, a small fortune in rubles, and a sensual backrub I still think about at night. Let’s see what you got, second poorest country in Europe!”
When questioned about the possibility of attempting to outbid Putin in wooing Trump, Zelenskyy has reportedly not made a decision.
“As President, I have a responsibility to consider all possible avenues to peace, but it’s very unclear if that’s what this is,” Zelenskyy explained. “The President says his government will help us liberate our stolen territory for the ‘low, low price’ of all our natural resources forever. But then, how long before Trump is trying to seize Odessa for a new beach resort?”
“Maybe we can make some kind of deal, like perhaps a few tanks in exchange for saying we loved to watch The Apprentice.”
Trying to negotiate with land America does not currently hold or have any military presence on is nothing new to Trump, who, in the first few months of his 2nd term, attempted to offer the entire country of Canada as an incentive many times.
When questioned about whether America would make any commitment to helping bring back the many kidnapped Ukrainian children, Trump declined to comment, stating his specialty is ejecting children to other countries, not bringing them back.
