YOUR HOME – According to local astrologists, the planet Mercury hates your guts and is coming to kill you and everyone you love.
“What your friends and family want you to do and what you need to do don’t always align,” your horoscope reads today. “But don’t sweat the small stuff too much, because an entire fucking planet is coming to flatten you in your home like a fleshy pancake.”
A detailed analysis of your birth chart, taking into account the phase of the moon and Jupiter’s position at the moment you entered this world, reveals that Mercury just plain old doesn’t like you very much and finally intends to do something about it.
“You sometimes struggle to control your temper, so you’re probably pretty pissed about a 330 million trillion tonne rock swinging by to end your life like you’re a troublesome fly,” one astrologer reports. “You should remain open to new relationships, but only if you’re willing to accept that they’ll be extremely short term.”
Astronomers and physicists note that another planet striking Earth will have some negative consequences for other people, meaning it isn’t just your imagination; everyone really is staring at you with disgust today.
“There are several theories as to why planets move from their orbits to attack individuals,” said a NASA scientist. “If you curse a planet’s role in your fate, the planet may take that personally. But this poor bastard may also just have a really bad vibe,” the scientist added, referring to you, the poor bastard.
Astrology apps concur with human interpreters, with TimePassages saying “Now’s a great time to find someone with a compatible moon sign willing to try out a challenging activity like rock climbing or will writing,” and Co-Star concluding you have “Big doomed energy.”
The planet Mercury could not be reached for comment prior to publication, but this article will be updated if and when the 4.5 billion-year-old rock weighs in on your imminent crushing.
