OTTAWA – In order to secure an economic agreement with Trump, PM Mark Carney has announced that, beginning in 2026, Canada will celebrate our national day of celebration on July 4th, just like the Americans do.
The announcement came just hours after Trump posted on Truth Social “We have just been informed that Canada, a very difficult country to trade with, intends to one up our great country by having their 4th of July 3 days before us. This is unacceptable and I have immediately announced new tariffs on all products with the words Canada in the title. Thank you for your attention to this matter.”
Carney publicly insisted that Canada would not be kowtowed by Trump’s erratic demands. However a press release from an obscure Ministry later confirmed that he would be moving the date of Canada Day. A visibly sweating Carney later publicly defended his choice.
“Look, maybe Confederation started on July 1, but things took forever in those days. By the time the Telegram or whatever reached London announcing our independence it was probably July 4th. So what’s the difference?”
“Isn’t losing a symbolic indicator of our status as a free and independent country worth it if we get a better deal on softwood lumber?”
Liberal insiders insisted that Carney was just playing the long game, and that he was in the process of securing a deal with Europe that would see Canada Day move to May 9, the anniversary of the Schuman Declaration that first pooled German and French coal and steel resources under a common high authority.
At press time Carney had announced that Victoria Day would be renamed Kid Rock Fuck Yeah America Presented By Coors Light Day
