OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has invited Saudi Arabian Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman to this summer’s G7 summit in Kananaskis, Alberta, but warned the autocratic monarch that Air Canada will no longer allow him to stow his famous bone saw in the overhead bin.
“We wish to respect the customs of all our G7 guests,” explained Carney, “whether that is offering a traditional bow to Japanese Prime Minister Shigeru Ishiba, or allowing a Middle Eastern dictator to order the murder and dismemberment of innocent journalists with his favourite meat packing tool.”
Carney then sent a polite email to bin Salman, adding, “And what’s more Canadian than a friendly heads up complaining about Air Canada’s latest baggage restrictions, especially if they impact the ability of a brutal aristocrat to silence opposition?”
G7 observers note that bin Salman, known as “MBS” to his closest fellow tyrants, has not as of yet indicated which if any Canadian journalists he might target for assassination while visiting Alberta.
“The violent 2018 murder of Washington Post reporter Jamal Khashoggi was really more of a long term goal thing,” explains Abdullah bin Bandar, Minister of the Saudi Arabian National Guard. “Still, the warm and surprising invitation we’ve received from Prime Minister Carney makes us think we should fit some vacation executions in, between visits to Alberta steakhouses.”
“Guess it’s time to start ‘boning up’ on the CBC At Issue Panel,” joked bin Bandar, before demanding that a roomful of aides and servants laugh at his wordplay.
Saudi officials also explained that they might not even need to worry about Air Canada’s overhead bin bone saw rules, as they were planning to fly to Alberta in a $400 million private jet which they are hoping to bribe PM Carney with in exchange for monetary policy favours.
Aides within the Prime Minister’s Office note that, beyond linking Canada’s own oil production with Saudi Arabia’s brutally-repressive petrostate, PM Carney was eager to invite MBS so that Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi would have someone to talk to about extrajudicial murders of dissidents.
A representative for Air Canada was not available for comment as they are currently experiencing higher than normal call volume.
