Washington DC – After months of Trump pontificating that Canada would make a great state, the US Department of the Interior has updated its “Statehood Waitlist.” Canada now has the top spot on the list while long-suffering territories Puerto Rico and Washington DC have been bumped down the list.
The updated list, posted to a newly-created DOGE portal, explains Canada is now #51, citing that “because Donald Trump said it enough, it must be true.” The current US territories that have been lobbying for statehood for years have been moved down due to “Trump already doing more for them than anyone” and “They are one of the most corrupt places on Earth.”
The newly appointed Deputy Undersecretary for Territorial Growth, Ed “Big Balls” Coristine defended the changes on Truth Social. “Canada has been American’s hat but what does a hat cover? A head,” posted Cuisine. “So Canada would be America’s head, but like a stupid airhead cause it’s got so much empty space. Florida would continue to be the dick of America, and we all know that’s where the smart big ball thoughts of men come from.”
Representatives from Puerto Rico and DC are less enthusiastic about being at the back of the line in bureaucratic limbo. “We have been waiting since 1898 to gain official state status,” said Puerto Rico Governor Pedro Rivera. “Canadians are supposed to be polite and wait their turn and now they are jumping the line? And they don’t even say sorry?”
Some Canadians are excited about the prospect of becoming a state. In Athabasca, Alberta, oil sands worker, Bryan Miller, thinks it’s about time the US recognizes Canada as a state. “I moved out here from the east coast to make real money and the tax man steals it all but if we were American, there’d be no taxes,” said Miller. “So I’ll be able to afford my inevitable back injury and the resulting multiple spinal surgeries. That’ll show Carbon Tax Carney.”
In Ottawa, Prime Minister Carney said the risk of losing Coffee Crisp, Ketchup Chips and Swedish Berries is too great. He plans to bring a treat basket to Trump to help him realize how Canada is a sovereign nation of delicacies that he can’t just annex.
Meanwhile, representatives from Guam, the US Virgin Islands, the Northern Mariana Islands, and American Samoa banded together to find out their positions on the list; only to learn that they were being bundled into a package deal in exchange for Greenland.
