MONTREAL – The RCMP and Canadian Wildlife Service issued a joint statement late Thursday afternoon advising Canadians across the country to shelter in place after it was discovered that former Prime Minister Jean Chrétien had escaped from his enclosure.
“I would advise all Canadians to remain in their homes if at all possible, and to make sure all doors and windows are sealed tightly,” said Jean-Jacques Arsenault, head of the Jean Chrétien personal containment unit. “He’s fast, he fits into tight places, and he’s got a much longer reach than you’d think he does. If you do come face-to-face with him, you are advised not to make eye contact, and to back away very slowly while repeating that you did not support the 1995 Quebec referendum.”
“Our teams across the country are working to draw him out by releasing anti-poverty protestors into the streets of major cities so that we can safely subdue the Prime Minister when he bursts out of the bushes to strangle them. These operations are highly sensitive, and Canadians are asked to avoid the areas where we’re working.”
Despite assurances that the 89-year-old former Prime Minister will be recaptured soon, many Canadians report that Chrétien’s escape has them living in constant fear.
“I’ve had to protect my home from a lot of things over the past few years,” said 42-year-old Lennoxville resident Emile Larrivée. “There’s been wildfires, heatwaves, flooding, a deadly virus, the unstoppable spread of grey laminate floors. But how do I protect ourselves from this? What if he gets into the crawlspace? Or under the deck? What if he decides I might have misappropriated funds intended to promote federalism in the province of Quebec between the years of 1993 and 2004 and decides to start testing the windows?”
“Honestly, I’m thinking about purchasing a long gun to protect my family. I just wish I had somewhere to register it.”
Officials have advised any Canadians without safe shelter to take refuge at local Habitat for Humanity construction sites, as Jean Chrétien is known to avoid building affordable housing.