Kansas City, MO – The arrival of the pitch clock and other measures to speed up the languid pace of professional baseball has created victims of baseball players’ scrotums, as the lack of customary “standing around” time means they are going without their famous retinue of scratches, repositionings, and cup checks.
“We are largely happy with the changes to the rules,” said Major League Commissioner Rob Manfred. “Games are faster, there’s more action, and pitchers are getting the ball to the plate in record time. However, change always brings out unintended consequences, and that’s really being felt by the nutsacks. This used to be a sport spent scratching yourself between brief interruptions of running. Now that’s all different.”
The players echo Manfred’s concern. “Last night’s game was only two hours, start to finish,” said Kansas City Royals pitcher Zack Greinke. “Before the changes, on a typical night, I’m down there digging trenches for thirty, forty-five minutes. Just really mapping the terrain. Last night? Nothing. I accidentally dropped a quarter down my cup getting a soda, and didn’t realize it was even there until showers.”
Mr Greinke’s altered schedule is not the only change. Several athletes have been hospitalized for malnutrition, having had to forgo their diet of sunflower seeds in the heightened pace of the game. Several players have been demoted to the minor leagues after refusing to change course, prioritizing ball-scratching over the defense and hitting that are their job descriptions.
Still, to get to the real victims of the clock change you need to drop to your knees and interview those closest to the problem.
“I’m not going to lie, it’s been difficult,” said Mr Greinke’s scrotum in an exclusive interview. “I’m not a complainer by nature. I was raised to go with the breeze. But you know what? You need a little affection from time to time, a little love, like anyone. I’m happy Zack’s busy with other things, out there in the world living his life. But you can’t get by without a little human touch, you know?”
“On hot days, I find myself cuddling up to the inner thigh, just to feel something. I’m not ashamed to say it.”
The Kansas City Royals are currently lieing forgotten in the basement of the Central Division. As are, at press time, Mr Greinke’s testicles.