LAKE CITY, FL ― A 10th-grade student has been taken into custody after she asked a friend to borrow “una bolígrafo” despite having been clearly taught that pens are male and should only be referenced using the articles “un,” “el,” “unos,” or “los.”
“I don’t care what liberals have to say: there are exactly two genders, and pens are boys and should only be referred to as such,” said teacher and hardcore DeSantis supporter Ana Cortez. “Unless you’re using the synonym “pluma,” in which case they are girls and it’s pen abuse to affirm them when they say otherwise. And of course none of that applies in Italy, where pens are always female.”
“I really don’t see what’s so hard about this. It makes perfect sense,” added Cortez, moments after dismissing a non-binary pupil’s pronouns as “too confusing.”
15-year-old Riley Price was later released with a stern warning and a long lecture on the importance of always addressing her superiors, namely cishet white Christian males, as “usted” rather than “tu.”
“Unfortunately, I was too busy working on my health homework to study Spanish,” admitted the teen, who ended up getting an A on her sex-ed assignment, despite her complete inability to name a single reliable birth control option.
“I guess part of high school is learning to budget your time, but did I really need to be held overnight in a police station and interrogated about whether I had ever refilled a pink pen with a blue cartridge?”
The school has already set up a teachers’ meeting to prevent future such incidents. “This is what comes of letting kids have those woke packages of crayons with the diverse skin colours,” Cortez added. She plans to argue for a ban on those materials, as well as quill pens, on the ground that they are clearly in drag.
In international news, Viktor Orban has introduced a law introducing gendered pronouns into the Hungarian language just so he can persecute those who change theirs.