VANCOUVER – Local coworkers are expressing frustration as one member of their fantasy hockey league, Dave Henson in Sales, won’t stop bragging for 10 goddamned seconds about his late-pick drafting of Sabres star Tage Thompson.
The Charleston Plastics employee insisted that his selection of the Sabre’s highest scoring player was “no fluke” and that he “absolutely knew” that the forward who, prior to this season had performed somewhat below-expectations, would be the league’s breakout star.
“It was pretty laughable that no one could see it, but these nerds just don’t know the game,” said Henson, who routinely placed in the bottom 3 of the fantasy league’s previous years.
“A quick analysis of his year-over-year point progression and you’d be an idiot not to know he was about to peak,” Henson added, articulating the kind of attention-to-detail only found in professional NHL scouts or, apparently, a dipshit man-child who once left his work laptop in a Baskin Robbins bathroom.
Henson continued by calling out the jealousy of his “jabroni” coworkers, who quickly deduced that the man they know as “Dumbass Dave” was presenting an ego-driven facade and, clearly, had no idea who Buffalo’s leading scorer was when he hastily selected him in the 8th round.
Cluster-member Maggie Taylor shared her suspicions about the man whose inability to spell “Netflix” has so-far introduced 12 viruses to the company network.
“I almost caught him. Last Monday Dumbass Dave was talking my ear off about how he was convinced to draft Thompson after noting his ‘strong first shifts’, and I asked him ‘Don’t most Sabres games start on while we’re still working?’. He just stared silently for a few seconds before adding some noise about Thompson’s ‘high-danger chance generation’”.
“I swear he’s just memorising Mike Johnson’s tweets or something”.
Other coworkers report finding themselves actively avoiding Henson, fearing a demonstration of the kind of bravado and lack-of-decorum as should be expected from someone for whom leading a 12-person fantasy sports league represents a profound life accomplishment.
Recently Angelo Gallo in IT asked Henson if he wanted a bagel, only to be subjected to a 5-minute haranguing for using her first pick on Auston Matthews, when Henson’s “sleeper” was “right there”.
Similarly Accounts Manager Xian Fung, who fumes “I can’t get a drink of water, because Dave’s always hanging around the cooler, waiting for the chance to explain how Thompson’s ‘underlying metrics’ guaranteed that this was going to be ‘his year’. I say we all forfeit and just give him the title, no $20 Subway gift-card is worth this”.
Adds Fung “I’ve got Gary in Legal drafting a freedom of information request to Yahoo! for proof that he was just using their auto-draft recommendations”.
Also reached for comment was Amanpreet in HR, but his deskmate said he was unavailable because he was “too busy gloating to the interns that he knew this would be Karlsson’s bounce-back season”.