Treat yourself to a walk outside
Spring has sprung, and getting outside is great for your mental health, and in most places you can still do it without someone stopping you to demand your last menstrual date so they know whether to prosecute you for being trans, or having an abortion, or hell, why not both! So enjoy it while it lasts, ladies!
Go out for brunch
Grab brunch at a place you can afford to go when you’re making 89 cents on the dollar and enjoy a well-earned 1.5 hours to relax with a mimosa and some kind of egg white spinach thing, or whatever it is you women like to eat. But we should clarify, this only applies to women who are very, very skinny. If not, we strongly recommend not eating, until you are very, very skinny, at which point you can go back to eating, as long as it’s not spaghetti because watching girls eat that is just gross. Where are we getting these rules? Let’s just go ahead and leave this to the experts, okay?
Take a bubble bath
The bath is a special retreat for woman, because it is the one and only place where she may be truly naked in the eyes of God.
Reflect on the achievements of great women, and ask yourself, where did it get them, exactly?
Amelia Earhart was a pioneer of aviation, and a woman and now she’s… huh, that’s interesting, she’s deceased, isn’t she? Joan of Arc led an army, and huh, burnt at the stake. Gloria Steinem… that’s right. Dead. Wouldn’t want anything like that to happen to you, would you? What’s that? Gloria Steinem is still alive? Well how about this, how about you let us ask the questions and you just keep enjoying that egg spinach thing.
Enjoy breakfast in bed
Look, is breakfast in bed kind of more of a Mother’s Day thing? Sure. But after all, what is a woman if not a mother just waiting to happen? Enjoy!