GLENDALE, AZ – After weeks of controversy over their mascots’ allegedly waning sexiness, flagship Mars chocolate brand M&Ms revealed during Super Bowl LVII that they are rebranding as S&Ms.
“When conservatives raised concerns that we spokescandies were losing our sex appeal, we really took that to heart,” said the green M&M, gesturing to her new heart-shaped pasties. “We want to make sure that Republican consumers get exactly what they’re looking for when they buy our rainbow chocolates: an erection as hard as my candy shell.”
S&M, which stands for sadomasochism, is an umbrella term for a variety of kinks within the larger BDSM, and now snack candy, community. To demonstrate their newfound dedication to sexiness, each of the spokescandies arrived at the game in a different variety of fetish gear. The brown M&M swapped her trademark glasses for a blindfold and handcuffs, while the purple M&M walked her blue counterpart on a leash. The orange M&M now sports a ball gag that appears to just be a red M&M Mini strapped to his mouth.
When asked why they chose to make the announcement during the Super Bowl, the yellow candy responded, “Because we’re so into sports. Though they usually involve water.”
To many conservatives’ dismay, the restoration of the spokescandies’ sex appeal was also supported by many on the left. “I for one think it’s great,” says local drag queen Tuck Her Carlson. “We always knew they were sex positive because hello, rainbow candies. But this takes it to a whole new level. Also the blue one is a total snack.”
Still, even the enthusiastic consent of the left could not keep conservatives’ candy boners down. In response to the candies’ triumphant return to sexiness, right-wingers around the country collectively began singing Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”, a common conservative go-to that is definitely about praising the lord and not at all about sex.
“Today, we take an important step forward in the fight against the repression of the right…’s sexual urges toward candy,” said Fox News contributor Rory Gorman. “Tomorrow, we take the next step: renaming that other candy, because as it says in Leviticus 18:22: thou shalt not lie with a Mike and as he does with an Ike.”
In response to the Superbowl rebranding, conservative commentator Ben Shapiro announced that while he would return to eating M&Ms, he would demand that an intern remove all the brown, green, and purple ones first, as he has never eaten a woman in his life.