Look, we’ve all been there. Singles Awareness Day – er, Valentine’s Day – once again rolls around, and all your lonely ass can do to celebrate is order an ungodly amount of food and watch Netflix.
But unlike every other day of the year, when you can nonchalantly yell “hey guys, food’s here!” to convince the strange man at your door that you are not, in fact, home alone, nobody’s having a party on Valentine’s Day. He knows those six bags of assorted deep fried delectables are for a party of one, and while he is most likely just a regular person just trying to make a living in an impossible gig economy, there is also an infinitesimal chance that he is a maniacal serial killer. Which means there are only a few words between you spending the rest of your night in a food coma, or a permanent one.
Here are a few ways to convince your would-be murderer not to make you his next bloody valentine…
1. “Hey babe! Food’s here!”
A spin-off of the classic “hey guys”, nothing says, “I am definitely not alone in this house and also I had sex recently,” like yelling out “food’s here!” to an obviously empty apartment. The resounding echoes from your depressingly empty apartment will give him the illusion that you have multiple partners, and murdering all of you would simply be too large an undertaking.
2. “Ghost Kitchen. Good thing they didn’t ghost me!”
Getting ghosted sucks. But ordering from a ghost kitchen, and throwing in an extra little joke about ghosts, will spook him out of any potential thoughts of murdering you. He’ll be too afraid you’d haunt him afterward, and who wants to be haunted by the ghost of someone watching The Bridges of Madison County on repeat in their pajamas?
3. “Wow, thanks for carrying all those dumplings!”
You know what “dumpling” rhymes with? DUMPING. Nothing like bao to remind you how all your romantic interests bow out. Ordering a metric shit-ton of this classic comfort food lets your delivery person know that you’re simply too sad a human being to murder. After all, what’s the fun in killing someone if nobody will miss them?
4. “Thanks, you too!”
The classic cringe response to “enjoy your meal”, when you know damn well that this poor delivery person isn’t about to enjoy anything. He won’t kill you after you say it though, simply because you’ll have to kill yourself out of embarrassment.
5. Just the tip.
Don’t say anything and leave a generous tip. No small talk and a bit of extra cash? He can’t murder you when you’re basically an angel on Earth.
Happy Valentine’s Day!