CHICAGO – In the wake of a backlash against recent claims by Gwen Stefani that she is “Japanese”, the singer attended a hastily-gathered news conference where she apologised for her hurtful comments, by saying “Sorry” in a manner befitting her new Canadian identity.
Entering the room to the BTO classic “Takin’ Care of Business”, a tearful Stefani began her speech with a statement of contrition. “I just want to say I’ve been a real hoser. I had no idea that the time I spent making red carpet appearances and giving interviews in front of a collection of silent Japanese women as if I were Gru and they were my little Asian minions would make people uncomfortable, eh?”
“So let me say, with the strength of my people from Victoria to St. John’s. I’m sorry,” added the California native, while taking great care to elongate the O.
Stefani is not without her defenders, including UBC Professor of Sociology Dr. Miriam Adebayo, who congratulated Ms. Stefani for choosing the “perfect” culture to emulate. “No one knows what the hell a Canadian is, anyway. But we definitely do say ‘sorry’ a lot; and to risk being accused of cultural appropriation just so you could take a variety of eye-roll-worthy publicity shots? Well, remember Trudeau’s India trip? She could be our next Prime Minister!”.
Furthermore, the professor believes that the “Make Me Like You” singer’s new nationality will be embraced by her faux-countrymen. “You’re talking about people who practically orgasm every time they learn a celebrity spent a month at a Saskatoon high school. I expect an immense swell of patriotic pride every time someone catches ‘Captain Marvel’ on cable and hears the opening notes of ‘Just a Girl’”.
In keeping with her new nationality, Ms. Stefani, who was wearing cut-offs despite it being the middle of winter, stated that she has requested all documenters of her career to take care to pronounce her most-famed musical endeavour’s name “No Doobt”. She also responded to questions of whether her identity as a Canuck (“our word, not yours”) would cause any strain on her home life by insisting “No, Blake already wears a lot of denim and plaid, anyway”, before ending the session with the declaration that she needed “to go on a Timmie’s run”.
Image: Georges Biard