HAMILTON — Long known for their novel approach to the practice of medicine, the Hamilton Endoscopy Centre has made it a standard practice to add Hans Zimmer film score music to the video feed of colonoscopies.
“This isn’t for the patients,” said clinic director Sylvie Gagnon. “Most of them are unconscious and way past caring. This is for our male doctors. It helps them find meaning and excitement in the repeated act of sticking a camera up someone’s anus.”
The clinic tried a variety of composers initially. “John Williams’ music was too jaunty,” Gagnon said. “Danny Elfman’s was too zany. But Hans Zimmer’s scores have the gravitas that helps doctors pretend they’re using secret equipment to track explosives hidden by the Joker in the sewers of Gotham City. As opposed to rooting through the awful scenery inside someone’s butt.”
The clinic’s doctors habitually communicate in Christian Bale’s Batman growl, which, although dramatic, can be difficult to understand.
“Batman sounds a smidge less badass when you have to ask him to repeat himself three times every sentence,” Gagnon said, “but the doctors seem to like having an excuse to talk like that some more.”
Male patients appreciate the practice as well. The clinic offers the option for them to be sedated less than the recommended amount and remaining conscious, as well as having the screen with the live feed in their line of sight, with the music turned up high.
“Some of them come back for multiple colonoscopies,” Gagnon said, “without any recommendation from their doctor.”
Patient Phil Blake justified his repeated returns, saying, in a low growl, “This might not be the medical procedure my digestive tract deserves, but it’s the one it needs right now. Or… hold on… is it the other way around? Or… no. I can’t remember. Whatever. I’m getting a hose stuck up my ass, just let me be Batman, okay?!”