“He is the love of my life and everyone needs to know this!!!!!!” reads Akhil’s third carousel post today featuring him and Mateo posing in front of a bathroom mirror, sticking their tongues out all silly-like. “And if you don’t comment on how cute a couple we are, I totally won’t shrivel up and die 🙂 “
The detailed report, done by the University of British Columbia, Relationship Longevity Department, states that when couples inundate others with photos of how happy and secure they are, it indicates that the couple are 100% happy and secure.
“It’s especially important to seek constant external validation in your relationship,” began Dr. Zura Deeb, co-author of the report. “It’s like basing a country’s economy solely on trade imports from other countries – a recipe for success.”
According to Akhil, posting daily heartfelt, effusive captions declaring his love for Mateo firmly demonstrates that they are super fulfilled in their relationship. “When I planned a 30 day birthday celebration for Mateo,” exclaimed Akhil, seated next to Mateo who meanwhile, aimlessly scrolled through TikTok, “and then posted his teary reaction video to instagram every time I gave him a new, expensive present, I didn’t do it because Mateo has checked out of our relationship! I did it because the 87 comments, 1,367 likes, and the 42 shares, confirms that our joy is genuine and not at all a performance!”
Akhil then added that by sharing candid couple photos of them on the couch, in bed, watering plants, posing at a party, riding the subway, getting off the subway, shopping, reading, cooking, dancing, cuddling, watching TV, sleeping, in the bathroom, mid-shit, mid-wipe, mid-burial of the long ailing matriarch of their family, he is definitely not distracting from the fact that this relationship at its core is a sham.”
At press time, a new report has been released stating that married couples who film and post videos of them pranking each other are absolutely not headed for a divorce.