SAN FRANCISCO – After Tesla CEO and richest man alive Elon Musk’s bid to buy controlling shares of Twitter succeeded, the app subsequently burst into flames and began ramming nearby pedestrians.
The proposed deal from Musk totalled $46.5 billion at $54.20 a share, none of which is planned to go towards preventing the app from scalding users and maiming civilians out on a regular stroll.
“It truly is a great day for free speech,” economist Hugh Cuthbert said. “Musk will take control of this massive app and use his expertise and experience in the field of technology to make more things set ablaze for some reason.”
Avid fans of the billion-dollar entrepreneur voiced their support on the app for the deal and for the proposed improvements to the site that will result in many users experiencing spontaneous combustion and blunt-force trauma.
“I always thought the two biggest problems with this site was its ruthless crushing of free speech and the fact it doesn’t obliterate limbs seemingly at random,” said Twitter user @CryptoKeithNFTitties. He then went on to tweet transphobic NFT apes 23 times in the span of an hour.
Tech journalists have weighed in on the new, Musk-led Twitter’s baffling new propensity for running over users and exploding on rocket launchpads. “It’s a short message sharing service that should even be able to do these things, but of course visionary tech guru Elon Musk found a way,” said Rupert Mercks of Wired. “Let’s just say with Musk at the helm, there’s no limits to what can be destroyed in needless wreckage.”
Other users had more cogent critiques of online spaces becoming increasingly monopolized and subjected to the whims of the rich few, but all that was left of their accounts was ash and broken glass.
Some users expressed worry about the possibility of Musk ordering the reinstatement of President Donald Trump’s Twitter account, but journalists, political pundits and politicians have all said they’ve learned their lesson in the past 6 years and it’ll probably be fine.
Musk reassured skeptics of the deal in his announcement by saying that there will be far less banning for the majority of users except for those pedos who keep posting that photo of him and Ghislaine Maxwell.